so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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