if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
