Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
