I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
love makes seman taste better
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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