I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
