he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
