Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
