Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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