no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The police scanner is talking about you again....
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Randomize
