Please, let me fuck your mom
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We had sex on a dog bed..
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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