it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
