And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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