Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
