i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
