It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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