also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
