i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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