so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
