I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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