In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He better not be in your backpack
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
