Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
