haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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