I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
