my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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