So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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