You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
she pinky promised me she was 18
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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