Fine. I'll sleep in my office
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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