turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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