He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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