Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Im part way to drunk.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
