if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
