i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
don't judge my taste in strippers
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
