He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
not ubering you a puppy
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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