I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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