the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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