I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
