My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
