I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
