I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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