do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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