cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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