I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
