ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
