I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
