You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
