Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
