I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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