So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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