Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
