Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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