She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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