oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
