Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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