did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
