Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
