dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
