Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize