I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
