So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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