After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
