Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
