Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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